Small Amusements

Recently I was talking to Katie and she reminded me of the rather abortive sex talk Aunt Fern tried to have with us one summer. I think we cousins ranged in age from the bare teens to around nine, so she was taking the bull by the horns, so to speak. But with the local boys running wild, I'm certain she didn't want to send anyone home to their parents at the end of the summer with a hitchhiker on board. That was Uncle Otto's term for an unplanned pregnancy. Uncle Bob just wouldn't say anything. Uncle Ted muttered terms under his breath, but would hush quickly if Aunt Fern was around. I'm certain she wouldn't approve.

However, the day she took us aside, she had no idea what we had already been told by our respective parental units. Isabella was the most worldly, having seen things in her travels, if you believed her, would make an anthropologist have a heart attack. Scarlet's folks believed in telling her everything. She in turn, believed in sharing the wealth. So we more or less knew what Aunt Fern was agonizing over, with her references to Adam and Eve, and agonized grip on the bible in her hands.

We sat, perfect angels, in front of her, poker faced.

"Girls, it's time I think you should know some things. I didn't tell my girls until they married. But these days, the world is a different place."

"How different, Aunt Fern?" We chorused.
"Wicked."
"How wicked?" Again, the chorus.
"Very wicked. Sodom and Gomorrah."
"What's Sodom and Gomorrah?"
"It's in the Bible." Aunt Fern was starting to get a bit flustered by then.
"Should we read about it?" This straight faced from Isabella.
"Perhaps not yet."
"We shouldn't read the Bible?"
"Yes, of course you should, but certain parts aren't suitable for children."
"What parts, Aunt Fern?" This from Scarlet.
"Never you mind."
"But how will we know what parts not to read?" Me.
"Just read the parts your Sunday School teacher tells you to read."

We were stumped there for a moment, but the Katie brighten up.

"So, Aunt Fern, what is the stuff you wanted to tell us?"

Now Aunt Fern was pretty shaken by the exchange. She had thought she could do the birds and the bees talk, but she hadn't planned on the nieces from Hades.
Her courage fled.

"Have you ever heard about..." here she paused,as though she needed to gather her courage for a final onslaught. We girls leaned forward, waiting...
"SEX?"
"Yes Aunt Fern," we chimed.
"Good. Then just DON'T."

The good lady turn on her heel and marched out of the room, Bible in hand. She had finally been defeated by her own sense of propriety. We cousins, sat back, stifling giggles.

Every so often, I'll call one of the Cousins, and in the course of the conversation, I'll be sure to ask her if she's remembering to "Just don't!" Ah! The wonders of a shared shorthand of memory.

Love
Kennedy